Missing My Best Friend

I had a best friend who was so dear to me, who was more than a blood sister. At one point, I even thought of her as my soulmate, someone who fundamentally gets me more than anyone else in the world, and to be perfectly honest, might still do. I was always so free and untethered with her, to be my real hippie self and feel absolutely unjudged for it.

Oh the fun things we did back then, partying, "it's 4.20 somewhere" happy hour, midnight drive to the beach, befriending strangers in questionable places, picking up sailor boys and sending them off before midnight curfew, the works. I lived through my 20-s in an adventure because she was there to give me courage when I feel like chickening out.

We had a falling out a few years ago though. I think as we age and organically change, we shifted priorities in life and do not see things through the same rose colored lens anymore. It was hard for me, like I lost an important piece of myself and am never the same again. I forged my identity with her by my side, and as I lose her, I lost who I am too.

I don't think we will talk again ever in this lifetime, but I love you babe. Sending rainbows and sparkles your way xoxo...

Celebrating Small Wins

While waiting for Isyak, I'd like to list down a few small wins for today as a positive reinforcement. I need to let myself know that I can be trusted to get things done.

1. Today I woke up earlier than yesterday and I made my bed this morning.
2. I made couscous salad the night before, so today I had chilled couscous salad with baked salmon.
3. I went out to run errands in the late afternoon.
4. I spent 2 hours in the afternoon dealing with work emails and translation work requests.
5. I motivated our new staff. She texted to apologize for her slow work but I told her to be patient and kind with herself. She will undoubtedly be faster and better with practice.
6. I showered and prayed today.
7. I'm about to pray Isyak and tarawih in Shaa Allah.
8. I spoke to my mother today and I was calm.
9. I had one on one time with Smokey (my indifferent, stern looking cat) and I was so blessed he wants to be petted. He purred the whole time.
10. I replied to WhatsApp messages from a work colleague. We are working together on something new that is scaring me more than I would admit, but today I updated him on my progress for a small task, tomorrow I plan to get more done for this project.

Alhamdulillah, that's actually good, and the night is still young. I plan to do some translation after tarawih and sleep early tonight.

Too Many Things, Too Scared

I'm writing to just clear some things in my head. This Ramadan started so well for me but then I got my period on the 7th day and then everything went downhill from there.

I know what to do to get back on the horse but oh it is so daunting. First off, I need to sleep early so I can wake up early and have my day run like a normal person. But it's already 4.30 am now (four freaking thirty!) and I have yet to shower and change the bed sheet before I can sleep. Maybe I'll forgo the shower.

Work is also piling up, new projects started and stalled.

I know procrastination is caused by fear, for me it is fear of the unknown sprinkled with a bit of laziness. Most of the things I need to do would be done in 5 mins, forwarding work email, making a sales call etc. Come on now, get it together!

Off to bed, I may not even change the bed sheet.

p/s My positive self is screaming at me to finish off this post on a positive note. So here it is:

1. I will wash my face and brush my teeth.
2. I will sleep for 3 hours (completing 2 cycles of REM sleep) and shower immediately after waking up.
3. I will settle the easiest work thing after shower, which is clearing work emails and setting up the team for the week.
4. I will scan and send the letters to ITBM to translate.
5. I will call around to find a seminar room in Melaka.
6. Study the materials for sales calls and make JUST one call tomorrow, minimum.

Okay, actually feeling better now :-)